Sunday, 6 November 2011

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn - Steven Spielberg (2011)

  1. The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn is the gayest movie to appear on general release since Gus Van Sant's Milk.
  2. Whether Tintin is gay is a facetious question, like whether or not Lady Macbeth has children. Outside certain obscure hentai Tintin is absolutely sexless. But the informing principle of this film, and of all Tintin stories, is gay.
  3. Tintin is a young man with a taste for 'adventure'. These 'adventures' always involve the pursuit of some species of MacGuffin, in this case, model ships. In fact the MacGuffins are functionally interchangeable, masks for a libidinal urge that leads Tintin, with clockwork regularity, to the docks. 
  4. Whenever he visits the docks Tintin is inevitably cornered by two or three heavily-built men and either chloroformed or assaulted with a phallic object like a rubber blackjack or cosh. Very often he awakes to find himself bound, and gagged. You'd think, under the circumstances, he might just avoid docks and shipyards. But oh no.
  5. When the John Williams score kicks in over the seaplane taking off from the crest of a wave you may well be aware of the sensation of your buttons being firmly pushed. This won't stopped them being pushed.
  6. What about that scene where Tintin is thrown violently around a cabin filled with sailors while Captain Haddock watches from the doorway? In fact, by that point you've probably started to think of the film as a really intense gay porno for children. But don't worry, all the sex has been substituted for 'adventure'.
  7. Georges Prosper Remi, or Hergé, gets a good deal of stick for being a sinister fascist, not just because he was a keen scout, but because during the occupation of Belgium the Tintin strip appeared in the Nazi-controlled paper, Le Soir. And it's not like the stereotyping of black people, Arabs, South Americans, Russians and Jews was limited to that period of his career either. Spielberg has had the rights to Tintin since the 80s - but he probably had to make Schindler's List first didn't he?
  8. Tintin's best friends are his toy terrier, a hairy alcoholic and two moustachioed, co-habiting bachelors. There's nothing to see here.*
  9. In modern gay argot the word for a beefy, hirsute gay man is a 'bear', the word for a correspondingly lithe, ectomorphic and hairless gay man is a 'twink' or 'chicken'.
  10. The only woman in Tintin is the opera singer Bianca Castafiore. She is a comic character, distinguished by her high-pitched voice, a female secondary sexual characteristic which all the other characters find intolerable.
*HergĂ© died from an HIV-related infection in 1983, but he caught it from a blood-transfusion. He remains a national hero in Belgium. 


  1. In fact, you might consider the whole adventure schtick as a kind of displacement activity, in much the same way that, when Cpt Haddock swears, his explicit language is displaced into gibberish.

    Increasingly I think just showing your children gay porn would be less fucked up.

  2. i know that people have their opinions and things like that but really a gay porno have you seen a movie with peter Jackson's name that says peter Jackson's porno town i mean really it doesn't make sense how you think such a thing from 2 great directors for all the people that agrees to this guy. REMEMBER BACK TO THE FUTURE the greatest thing that hit the theater. i know it had a lot of swear words and a tongue kiss scene in the movie. but damn it was the 80's. but i bet that this mother fucker that said it was a gay porno and if this gordon guy went to the uk to see this. well wait and see all the pepole say it was a great movie

  3. So happy the shop is open!! Got some lovely things that sound great-thanks so much!